Wednesday, September 28, 2005

How To Drive Your Husband Insane - A Practical Guide


Step 1 - Unplanned pregnancy. This jumping off point is a step in the right direction towards the successful destruction of your husband's life. It's followed closely by "Sleep with his best friend" but is trumped by "Unplanned pregnancy after sleeping with his best friend."

Step 2 - Inability to sleep. This guarantees that your husband will be awakened at 5 a.m. as you lumber around the room like a walrus with hemorrhoids.

Step 3 - Learn to kick all covers to the floor while you sleep. This insures that when your husband wakes up at 5 a.m., he will be cold and have no blanket.

Step 4 - Never turn off your alarm clock. This is a must. Set it for 6 a.m. so that it will go off just about the time your husband goes back to sleep.

Step 5 - Make sure you need a degree in engineering to turn off the alarm. Some alarm clocks have a big button on top for turning off the alarm. Avoid these. Instead, get one that requires a door to be opened and a code inputted. Even better, get one with the off switch on the side. Whatever you do, make sure that there is a big button on top that activates the.....

Step 6 - Extra long snooze alarm. At least 20 minutes. That way, he's just about back to sleep when the alarm goes off again. (Tip - get a clock that is easy to program because your husband might yank the plug from the wall in a desperate attempt to silence the alarm.)

Step 7 - Kiss your husband goodbye at 7 a.m. This guarantees that he is just starting to drift off to sleep again when you barge in and wake him to say goodbye. (Bonus - Tell him you love him. This will confuse him because he knows you don't mean it.)

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