My Mom punched me today for saying "fuck" in front of Sam.
First, let me make it clear that I say "fuck" a lot. I'm a guy who can say, "Fuck you... you Fucking Motherfucker" and not think he's overdoing it. I try not to say it in front of my Mom because she doesn't say it and, well, she's my Mom for fuck sake. Today I got slapped in the arm for it and I swear, for a second there, I thought she was going to ground me.
I don't know what I'm going to do when Sam picks up the word (and she will, because I say it all the fucking time). I guess I'll just have to try and make her understand that it's a "grown-up" word and shouldn't be said by children. Personally, I think the whole thing is stupid when you get right down to it. Why is "feces" okay and "shit" bad? They both describe the same thing and you wouldn't want either one in your bathtub, so why the distinction?
At the same lunch I put Joanna on the defensive about her husband Teague. All I said was that in every relationship, someone has "traded up." Someone got lucky and landed a mate that is out of their league. In the case of Joanna, her husband Teague is the lucky one. Don't get me wrong, Teague is great (and I love him like a cousin that I see about once a year) but Joanna is in "the show" and Teague is stuck in Triple-A ball. I know this because I'm in Triple-A myself. If Teague and I have one thing in common, it's the self-confidence to go after women who can do better than us, and we've both managed to hook winners. The only difference is that Teague is so good at dishing the bullshit that he actually believes it himself. I'm more realistic about my abilities, except where sex is concerned, where I'm a God. (Really. God-like.) I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but I personally think Joanna is the shit but that's mainly because she laughs at my jokes and has huge tits (two very important assets..... and the laughing is good too). Joanna, God bless her, treats my like that Uncle everybody has that seems nice but at the same time is just a little creepy. You know, the one that holds the hug just a little too long? That's me as far as Joanna is concerned. Deep down inside she suspects that I actually mean all the things I say about her and secretly fantasize about a threesome with her and my wife (relax Jo, that honor is reserved for my wife's sister). Someday she'll come to love me for who I am and no longer be a little worried that I might try to slip a cat-tranqualizer into her drink (doesn't work, BTW).