Thursday, November 10, 2005

Yea, but I went higher in the draft...

My Mom punched me today for saying "fuck" in front of Sam.

First, let me make it clear that I say "fuck" a lot. I'm a guy who can say, "Fuck you... you Fucking Motherfucker" and not think he's overdoing it. I try not to say it in front of my Mom because she doesn't say it and, well, she's my Mom for fuck sake. Today I got slapped in the arm for it and I swear, for a second there, I thought she was going to ground me.

I don't know what I'm going to do when Sam picks up the word (and she will, because I say it all the fucking time). I guess I'll just have to try and make her understand that it's a "grown-up" word and shouldn't be said by children. Personally, I think the whole thing is stupid when you get right down to it. Why is "feces" okay and "shit" bad? They both describe the same thing and you wouldn't want either one in your bathtub, so why the distinction?

At the same lunch I put Joanna on the defensive about her husband Teague. All I said was that in every relationship, someone has "traded up." Someone got lucky and landed a mate that is out of their league. In the case of Joanna, her husband Teague is the lucky one. Don't get me wrong, Teague is great (and I love him like a cousin that I see about once a year) but Joanna is in "the show" and Teague is stuck in Triple-A ball. I know this because I'm in Triple-A myself. If Teague and I have one thing in common, it's the self-confidence to go after women who can do better than us, and we've both managed to hook winners. The only difference is that Teague is so good at dishing the bullshit that he actually believes it himself. I'm more realistic about my abilities, except where sex is concerned, where I'm a God. (Really. God-like.) I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but I personally think Joanna is the shit but that's mainly because she laughs at my jokes and has huge tits (two very important assets..... and the laughing is good too). Joanna, God bless her, treats my like that Uncle everybody has that seems nice but at the same time is just a little creepy. You know, the one that holds the hug just a little too long? That's me as far as Joanna is concerned. Deep down inside she suspects that I actually mean all the things I say about her and secretly fantasize about a threesome with her and my wife (relax Jo, that honor is reserved for my wife's sister). Someday she'll come to love me for who I am and no longer be a little worried that I might try to slip a cat-tranqualizer into her drink (doesn't work, BTW).


superkain said...

I love cat tranquilizers!

3:26 PM  
Marijayde said...

I KNOW why you hug me a little too long....

3:29 PM  
Marijayde said...

creepy little booby feelin bastard, FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!

I said that in my pretties little preacher girl voice too!

3:30 PM  
Marijayde said...

sorry, prettiest - I KNOW you will correct me on my spelling.

Besides, what is this like a record number of comments for ya???

3:33 PM  
Booray said...

I said I am LIKE the Uncle that hugs too long... I personally hug just the correct amount of time. I prefer to do all my molesting in writing, in the internet, where everyone can read it.

Yes, this is a record number of comments.

3:46 PM  
Marijayde said...

LOL, gotcha

You aint right


3:54 PM  
Blackberriesgirl said...

LOL... I said, "Fuck" in front of my son. He mimiced me. Then I said, "Shit!" cuz I realized I swore at him. He mimiced me again. Ryan was NOT impressed. Oopsie...

4:24 PM  
Booray said...

Let's make this comment post even longer by throwing out "Kudo's" to Blackberriesgirl for getting me a new reader by association.

4:32 PM  
Jen said...

My 5 year-old uses Spongebob swearwords like "barnacles" and "tarter sauce". (My personal favorites are "Holy Shrimp!" and "What the Halibut?!") At school, he was told he wasn't allowed to say those words. Which brings to mind the distinction between "shit" and "feces", "cunt" and "vagina", "fuck" and "fornicate", etc. (I could go on, but I don't want anyone losing their load before I'm even done -- which I guess I'm used to.) It's the spirit in which it's said. It's the spirit in which my son yelled out "Barnacles" that is not allowed. He can say "that boat sure has a lot of barnacles" and that would be okay at school. They are just trying to teach him self-control and courtesy. Now the problem with you, Booray, is you use the word "fuck" in the same nonchalant spirit one would use when saying the word "fornicate". You have overused it to the point it is losing its potency and you have to say it three times in a sentence to get the same umph that my son gets from saying "Barnacles" once. How sad.

Now as far as the number of comments -- it would be NICE if you made a comment on MY blog once in a while! And while I'm at it, I should mention that my address is In case some of your other comment writers want to write comments elsewhere. I know you're thinking, "Holy Shrimp! The NERVE of that vagina!" Yeah, that's right. I'm not above this.

1:48 PM  
Booray said...

Jen, I would comment on your blog if you posted more than ONCE A MONTH!

2:19 PM  

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