Monday, December 05, 2005

Good to the last drop....


This post will be about sex so stop reading now if you are easily embarrassed.

Last week, "Oprah" did an entire show about porn (check that off your dream list!). Her guest was a gospel singer who claimed to be addicted to porn. Here's what he said:

  • He started looking at porn at a young age.
  • He had sex with as many women as he could before marriage.
  • Even after marriage, he was still like looking at porn.

Oprah was shocked.... SHOCKED! You mean even after you were married you still had a sex drive?! That's not RIGHT! You have a serious problem!

If that guy was a porn addict then so are most of the men in America. Ladies, your husband likes porn.... he just doesn't tell you about it. So, let me spell it out for you....

For the remainder of this post, sex will be replaced with "coffee" and masturbation will be refered to as "instant coffee."

I'm 41 years old and I would like to have coffee every day. It doesn't have to be a production, I just want to get that release every day and why shouldn't I? Not only is it perfectly natural, it's proven to reduce prostate cancer (look it up).

However, my wife doesn't like to have coffee everyday. So, that leaves me to fend for myself most days. Now, I'm not a machine, I need mental stimulation. I can either watch 5 minutes of porn and be done with it or I can use my imagination. If I use my imagination, I'll probably be re-living some past coffee adventure (when I was a teenager, it was all fantasy but as an adult I no longer get aroused by imagining coffee with the girl behind the counter at McDonalds.) So, as my wife, which would you prefer..... I watch a little porn or I remember in great detail the time I had coffee with an old girlfriend on a jet-ski? (I made that up, but it would be cool)

Ladies, if your husband would rather have instant than have coffee with you, then you have a problem (or rather, he does). But if he just wants to have a little coffee and you don't want to meet his schedule, get over it. If my wife gave me a coffee every day I would never watch porn (especially if it was the kind of coffee you have to blow on). Do you want to know the real reason men like porn? It's not that the girls are sexy, it's that they're willing. We're turned on by the fantasy that there are women out there who want to have a lot of coffee! You mean I don't have to beg for coffee?!

Oh, before I forget, don't start in with the whole "He should be happy with the coffee he gets from me!" We are. We love your coffee but, guess what? IT"S NOT ENOUGH! Imagine the thing that you enjoy most in this world, something you get everyday if you can.... let's say you love chocolate. Now, imagine if, after you got married, your husband told you that for the rest of your life you could only have chocolate when he said so and he could go weeks without even thinking about chocolate.... he doesn't understand why you even like chocolate so much.... you're just weird. Would you stand for that? I didn't think so. You'd be screaming, "Hey! I like chocolate! people all over the world like chocolate! Why can't I have a little chocolate every day!" (You'd probably be willing to settle for the same chocolate all the time but having no control over when you get chocolate?)

Me, I'm lucky. My wife understands that men have a different coffee drive than women.... doesn't make us freaks. (Ladies...... you like coffee... you have screamimg coffee orgasms... you feel great afterwards.... it only takes a few minutes with a partner or alone..... and yet you don't feel like having coffee everyday!? Yea, right..... I'm the freaky one!) But I know a lot of guys, most guys in fact, who have to sneak around and pretend they don't have instant coffee when the wife's not around. They do, ladies! Every one of them. You should be ashamed of yourself for making them feel like they have to hide it from you. If you don't want to have coffee with me everyday, that's fine, but don't be surprised if I grab a quick cup of instant while you're at the grocery store. It doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means I like coffee! As long as I'm drinking alone, why should you care!

Whew! I need some coffee.

11 Comments:

KC said...

Great post!

It took me a while to come to terms with my husband's instant coffee needs. I even had my own instant coffee needs, but I still felt insecure about *his* instant coffee. Something to do with control. I knew what I was thinking, but what was *he* thinking...that he really wanted that?

Now, it's all cool. And as I said, I like instant coffee, too (but I have to be in a special mood - I'd say it's a monthly need).

The only time I don't like it is when he has instant coffee before he realized that I wanted coffee, and then the coffee supply is already spent. Also, the instant coffee used to cause all kinds of problems for our computer - spyware and stuff - but I think we have that fixed now.

As for coffee every day...would you REALLY want it every day?? I mean, too much desensitizes my husband and I. 2-3 times a week, and sometimes once a week, makes it exciting, a challenge, a reward, and it just feels better b/c the need is more acute...generally more fun.

And, do you really think if you had coffee every day that you would not want EVER instant coffee again? Of course if you had to choose, you'd choose coffee, but doesn't instant coffee serve a different kind of purpose as far as the need for a special kind of relief that you don't necessarily get in coffee?

I'm pretty sure my husband will still take instant even if he got the real thing every day. However, if he did get it every day, I guess he wouldn't have the time or energy for instant. So, there's that.

(Oh, I also draw the line at animal, excrement, and underage instant coffee. Luckily...that's not a problem with us, but I would draw the line there. I know you mean you're standard Maxwell House variet instant though). :)

12:00 PM  
KC said...

plz ignore my typos...I'm not an idiot...I'm just trying to hurry and type about porn b4 I run off to lunch. :)))

12:02 PM  
Booray said...

Great comment! I think you're right in saying that coffee everyday might get routine. I remember when we were trying to get pregnant and the coffee almost became a chore. However, I do believe that oral coffee everyday would never get old! (or at least, it's a risk I'm willing to take!)

12:16 PM  
Jen said...

This reminds me of the time Oprah was SHOCKED that Hugh Grant would have instant coffee with a prostitute when he could have a frothy cappucino latte with his girlfriend, Elizabeth Hurley. Now don't get me wrong, I love Oprah and think she's a national treasure, but I don't know how she could not see the obvious. Hugh Grant, like most men, want all the frothy cappucino they can get at home, but maybe they want a cup of java at a time when the cappucino machine is at home and out of reach. Or on location in Florence. And he's not about to go to someone else's house and mess with their coffee-maker and then have to worry about owing a favor or cleaning the machine, or making enough coffee for everybody, or not getting it as strong as he likes it and having to deal with the owner of the coffee-maker's feelings. A simple drive-thru order exactly to your liking with no strings attached is why most men go to the drive thru to begin with! Not that I agree with the drive-thru, especially if you're in a relationship. It's just that Hugh should have kept a laptop with him at all times and spared himself some embarrassment and perhaps exposure to some soured half-n-half.

Boo,thanks for an analogy that's good to the last drop.

12:26 PM  
KC said...

The thing about Oprah...and I'm not a huge fan...it's shows like that, and her reactions, that are part of the problem. I remember when I used to have more issues with my hubby and porn, part of it was my girlfriends saying things like "YOUR husband watches porn??? Gross. I KNOW my husband doesn't. Men who love their wives don't do this. It's disgusting", etc.

Not that you should listen to everything your girlfriends or Oprah says, but you can go around thinking there is something wrong with your marriage until you grow up a little and figure stuff out - like girlfriends and The Oprah are NOT always right.

12:43 PM  
Blackberriesgirl said...

See, this is where I differ from a lot of women I think. Maybe it's cuz I'm 30? Maybe I'm an addict? I dunno, but I LOVE coffee!!!I jump on and help myself to coffee and I give coffee to my husband whenever he wants it.

Even if I'm not in the mood, or in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. My policy is "anytime, anywhere" cuz heck I enjoy coffee as much as he does! He never complains that he doesn't get enough. He complains that I need to give him a rest.

I've asked my husband if he likes instant coffee, but he says he likes coffee much better.Why have instant when you can have great, hot coffee anytime? I just L.O.V.E. coffee. I'm hooked on coffee. I don't get bored of it at all.... but people have a tendency to call me crazy so whatever.

5:18 PM  
Booray said...

I've heard about women like you but never actually met one. I'm convinced that you don't really exist, you're just a myth that gets passed down from generation to generation. (Like Bigfoot or The Loch Ness Monster)

6:23 PM  
Jen said...

Blackberries girl, I bet you feel good about your body. Lucky you! Recently, there was a study done that concluded women's diminishing sex drives were found to be more a result of feeling undesireable due to their body image rather than hormone levels, formerly believed to be the major culprit. I have a lot more to say on that, but I keep parking here in Booray's comment section instead of my own blog. I feel like we all have our own little chatroom here on Boo's Comment Corner! Hey, Boo! You could succeed Oprah! "Ladies, today's show is about Coffee (wink, wink) Girl, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!"

8:15 PM  
Orchid said...

I'm with Blackberries Girl on this one. Before we had the baby, I wanted coffee every day. I never turned my husband down, and even had to cope with the fact that sometimes he was too tired to keep up with me! Not only that, but I LOVE oral coffee and offer it to my husband often. Now that we have a toddler in the house we find ourselves sneaking around like teenagers and having to make time for coffee, so we don't drink coffee every day, but I'd still love to.

Just tonight, I had to talk my husband into oral coffee. I was in the mood, he was too tired. He was afraid that he didn't have the energy to reciprocate. That just doesn't matter to me, as I know that the score will even out in the end. Heh, I convinced him, though, and sent him to bed happy and very sleepy. ;)

As for instant coffee, I know he drinks it. He knows I drink it. sometimes we drink it together. :p It doesn't matter to me if he has instant coffee. Heh, sometimes I even show him cool new, er, instant coffee web sites or suggest that we watch instant coffee movies. *heh, he actually likes the plot, but I fastforward it to the coffee!*

Yes, Booray, such women really exist. We wake our husbands up in the middle of the night in need of "coffee healing" and actually like when our husbands sneak and grope our bottoms in the grocery store. We suggest going to coffee stores and own leather outfits, uhm, mabye I'm going too far here. I'll hush now.

2:11 AM  
Booray said...

LIES!! ALL LIES!!

Perpetuating the myth that there really are women who like coffee as much as men is an evil plot to undermine the male race, forcing us to never truly be satisfied with what we have... forever chasing a reality that doesn't exist (like threesomes and a funny episode of "Life with Jim.")

9:08 AM  
Orchid said...

Poor, poor Boo... *pats Boo's head*

No, my husband really is a lucky bastard.

9:48 AM  

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