Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I really need a hobby

I watch a lot of television. All day long I sit on the couch and watch television. Frequently in the nude while eating a big bucket of chicken. Mmmm..... that's good chicken.

Naturally, I've become quite the critic. There are two things that bug me every time I see them: Things that don't make logical sense and stupid sound effects.

My favorite plot device which makes no sense is the hostage situation scenario. You know the story: Bad guy points gun ay innocent victim and demands that brave cop drop his weapon.... WHICH THE COP ACTUALLY DOES!

Okay, let me explain something to you. If a person takes a hostage, the only thing preventing him from killing said hostage is the knowledge that as soon as he does, the cops will kill him. Therefore, threatening to kill someone is a hollow threat; keeping the hostage alive is the only thing keeping the bad guy alive. Therefore, NEVER GIVE UP YOUR WEAPON. If I were ever in that situation I would press my gun against the bad guys head and say, "If you think you can kill the hostage and kill me before I blow your head off, go right ahead and try, punk. YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, MAN!! STOP CALLING ME "PROFESSOR PERRY!" I CAN'T HELP IT IF I'M SMART INSTEAD OF ATHLETIC! ....... sorry, High School flashback...

Lately, I've been particularly annoyed by a trend that has developed that is just, well, annoying. It's the "noisy gun" scenario. Whenever someone pulls out a gun on TV, it always makes noise. Not just any noise, but one of two distinct noises: either the sound of the hammer being pulled back or the sound of the slide being pulled back. These two sounds are distinct because they immediately show that the person pointing the gun is serious... there's a round in the chamber... as if pointing the gun wasn't serious enough. "I'm not just pointing a gun at you, man.... it's loaded."

Here's where they really piss me off...

Usually, the gun in question IS INCAPABLE OF MAKING THE NOISE! They'll whip out a Glock and you'll hear the hammer cock even though the Glock HAS NO EXPOSED HAMMER! Or, they'll pull out the gun with ONE HAND and you'll hear the slide operate even though IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO OPERATE THE SLIDE ON AN AUTOMATIC PISTOL!

All of this pales, however, compared to the mother of all stupid sounds: The Shotgun. Every time someone points a shotgun on TV, it makes the "Chunk-Chunk" sound that a shotgun makes when you chamber a round... an action that takes two hands and quite a bit of force. Yet, on TV, all you have to do is point the damn thing and "Chunk-Chunk" I MEAN BUSINESS MOTHERFUCKER!

I also like when someone points a shotgun at a bad guy and when the bad guy starts to get antsy, they rack off a round in the gun. What that means is, up until that point, they didn't have a shell in the chamber which means THEY WERE PRETTY MUCH STANDING THERE WITH THEIR DICK IN THEIR HANDS.

You're probably thinking, "Really, it's not that annoying," but now that I've pointed it out, you'll notice it all the time. It's like they're calling us idiots. Every time someone pulls out a gun, "Ka-chick," you're an idiot.


Jen said...

I can't wait to share this post with my husband. He is constantly pointing out bad fishing sound effects. Like someone will cast, and he'll point out that that particular reel doesn't make that sound. And the same thing when they reel the fish in. And they'll mis-identify the fish. Happens practically EVERY TIME there's fishing in a commercial or in a movie. Don't they know lots of people fish -- or own guns for that matter? Would it put them too far overbudget to get someone to tell them if the sound is accurate? Or to identify a tuna or a perch? They DO think we're idiots. Bastards.

1:25 PM  

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