I was watching Dave Chappelle on "Oprah" the other day as he tried to explain why he walked out on his show and ran off to Africa. The more he tried to explain that he wasn't crazy the more crazy he seemed. Of course, he also talked a lot about racism.
I don't consider myself a racist but I do believe that I have certain advantages because I'm white. The bad side of having these social advantages is that, as a white person, I'm not allowed to trumpet the accomplishments of my race the way blacks can. If a black person says, "Black people make better basketball players," it's fine, but if a white person says something like that about the white race, it's racist. So, in an attempt to elevate my race, I want to talk about:
Things White People Are Better At Than Black People
1. Serial Killing - Okay, this one is an easy starting point, I know, but the fact is, when you need somebody to kill a bunch of hookers, chop them up and hide them under the toolshed, you need a white guy.
2. Annoying Reporters - Have you ever watched the news and seen an "on-the-scene" report? Look behind the reporter and you'll see some asshole grinning at the camera and waving, usually while on a cellphone, calling someone so that they will see the asshole in his native habitat. White guy.
3. Face Painting - Scan the stands at a football game.... it's not the brothers who paint their faces green and go shirtless during a snow game.
4. Proposing Badly - "Will you marry me?" on a billboard, jumbotron, skywriting? White guy, white guy, white guy.
5. Hockey - Just try to convince a black guy to fight someone who's wearing skates and carrying a big stick.
6. Shooting A Friend While Hunting - You may think I'm mentioning this because of Vice-President Cheney's recent escapade where he mistook a 78-year-old lawyer for a bird, but the fact is, white people have been shooting each other in the woods for years. (On a side note, David Letterman had the best joke on the shooting so far when he said, "My policy has always been, if you shoot a lawyer, you better kill him.")