Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Like Christmas in August

Mark your calendar people because we are diaper free. That's right, my oldest daughter has finally conquered her irrational fear of peeing anywhere other than her pants and is now ushering herself into the bathroom several times a day to urinate freely as well as, dare I say it, poop.

We spent a week in intense training and it's payed off in spades. One day she was holding it all in despite spending hours on the potty, the next - she was crapping like a midget fueled on Raisin Bran and cigarettes. And that's not all! She doesn't wet the bed!

Despite this major milestone in Samantha's development, she is still silently belittled for having taken so long by parents who feel that the speed in which you are potty trained determines everything from sexual orientation to college prospects. Today I had a hair stylist at Wal-Mart hold her own child's training (at 18 months) over me like she invented the radial tire. I can only say that I hope she's right in believing her kid is a genius so that maybe she won't have to grow up to be a HAIRSTYLIST AT WAL-MART!

Let me be clear on this: No matter what you think, "milestones" don't mean shit. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter that you took three years to get potty-trained or had a pacifier until you were in kindergarten. None of it amounts to a hill of beans when you're 45, although it is tougher to get that big promotion if you're still wearing diapers. (My favorite example of this is the people who have their kids in day-care and are always trying to convince me to put my child in day-care, too. Otherwise, she will be traumatized and anti-social when she enters kindergarten. Listen, I didn't set foot in a school until I was in first grade and no one would dare suggest that I'm incapable of communicating. Plus, I'm a friggin' genius, so suck it, day-care.)

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