Thursday, January 26, 2006

If I created a post titled, "Angelina Jolie Fucking a Monkey," what would happen?


I just checked my visitor tracker and noticed that I'm getting a LOT of viewers.... like 500 a day. Well, that can't be right because I'm good, but not that good (Oh, I'm plenty good enough for you, baby), so I started searching to find out why so many people are coming to The Boo-Log and I discovered that most are coming after doing a Google image search. But what image? Well, I then checked to see what my most viewed page is and BINGO! The most popular page got 1182 views in the same length of time that the home page got 6. That's crazy!

You see, every time you create a post in Blogger, it also creates a page that has just that post on it. The page name is taken from the header of the post. So, when you type "cheerleaders" into a Google image search, it scans the web and one of the pages it finds is this one. Since this page has "cheerleaders" in the name of the page, "cheerleaders" in the text of the page and "cheerleaders" in the name of the photo, Google places my picture of the Tampa Bay Cheerleaders in the top ten on the page and apparently, a lot of people are clicking on it.

The strange thing is that I rank so high in the search. There's bound to be hundreds of porn sites that specialize in cheerleaders (and if there aren't, there should be for God's sake!) and these sites have people who do nothing but optimize for search engines so how does my little picture on a page with no incoming links rank so high? It's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.

Now, the question is, what do I do with this information? You see, now that I know that so many people are going to that page to see the picture, I can change the text on that page, forcing anyone who goes there to read my shit boyeeee!

Hmmm, this will take some thought...

Monday, January 23, 2006

You should see my S.A.T. scores...


It's not easy being the smartest guy in the room.

My computer froze up last week. When you consider that my computer is my only link to the outside world and that it's also how we pay all the bills for the business and payroll, you can see how it's a big deal to lose it. Add to this my growing anxiety whenever there are things that need to be done that aren't getting done and you get a pressure cooker of frustration with just a pinch of angst for taste. Mmmm, that's good emotional breakdown!

After the good folks at Best Buy informed me that they couldn't fix it, I contacted the manufacturer who then promised to call me with a special number that I would need in order to return it for repairs. This is a new development in the last few years where you can't return something without first being given some special number which must be written on the return packaging under penalty of death. I contacted them on Thursday.... I still haven't got a number. I think the real plan is to make you wait so long to get the number that your warranty runs out.

Bobbi kept saying that I should call Dan, a friend of ours who is very computer savvy. "Dan's boss had a computer that they said couldn't be fixed and Dan fixed it!" She would say. I patiently explained to her that the professionals at Best Buy had already said that the problem was with the motherboard and it would have to be replaced. I mean, Dan's a handy guy but he doesn't make his living fixing computers. The Geek Squad at Best Buy are very good at what they do. Computers are delicate, sophisticated machines and require a professional touch.

The situation got worse on Sunday when I discovered that my back-up computer was broken too. Now we're in the shit, so to speak, because the bills and payroll are due in two days and we have no computer in the house. I decided to go buy a cheap computer to hold us over until mine is fixed. Bobbi thinks that's a bad idea and suggests bringing one home from the office one day a week until we get mine back from California where it will go as soon as I get the magic number.

Then the argument begins. Bobbi is saying we shouldn't buy a computer and I should "Call Dan" while I'm explaining to her just how inconvenient it's going to be to try and use an office computer for the next 6 weeks. I figure we can get a cheap computer for about $300 and make the next 6 weeks much easier. Bobbi continues to say that she can't justify the cost (this from a woman who would gladly spend $300 for one night in a hotel.) Finally, I get tired of trying to explain and say, "Fine, I'll call Dan."

Now, I know that the whole Dan thing is a waste of time but Bobbi is one of those people that you sometimes have to just give in to and let her see for herself that you're right. She'll never admit it, of course, but at least you'll know. I'm in the middle of a breakdown as I see more and more problems pile up around me that I can't solve, and Bobbi suddenly wants to argue about $300, which is less than she has spent in one visit to the hair dresser. So, I call Dan and he comes over. I figure, fine... we'll do it your way and you can see for yourself.

10 minutes after Dan arrives my computer is running fine since the only problem was that the DVD drive was loose.

It's not easy being the smartest guy in the room.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Go a little lower, now...


The Vatican has announced that it will dispose of "Limbo," the netherworld region where un-baptized babies go when they die, saying that it has never actually been church doctrine but rather something that has become accepted because of it's presence since medieval times (like "3 wise men" or "sex with an altar boy.")

Theologians agree that it seems unnecessarily harsh to deny innocent babies entry to the Kingdom of Heaven because they were unlucky enough to not be baptized. However, once a person reaches adulthood, it's the eternal fondue pot if you don't take the big dip. Good news for multiple murderers... you can still get the wings if you just accept Jesus as your savior before they strap you down and inject you with the "Hell-Express Cocktail." So you've got that going for you, which is nice.

Size doesn't matter so much as attitude

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

My Dad, the comedian

From an email my Dad sent me today:

"Your Mom bought a miracle memory foam mattress cover for her bed. If the memory is so good, how did we get it out of the box and unfolded?"

Laundry 101


This may seem like an odd way to greet each other in the morning but it's actually pretty typical. This morning as I'm feeding the baby, Bobbi went to get some cereal and said, "This pantry smells like pee."
Then I said, "When Sam had her accident last night, I threw the dirty towel in the basket that's in there."
"Oh, okay."

A few minutes later, Bobbi noticed a small basket of laundry on the counter.
"Does this need to be washed?" she asked.
"Yes, that's all the stuff I used to clean up after Mac spit-up last night."
"I'll throw it in the washer." She said.
"Why don't you grab that basket out of the pantry and toss it in too?"
"Ew, no.... you don't want to put those in with the baby's things."
"Right, what was I thinking? You can't have the piss-soaked clothes mixed in with the vomit-soaked clothes...... that would be gross.

Monday, January 16, 2006

And no CD player either...


This morning I flipped the television on at 8 a.m. while feeding the baby and there was a blast from the past - "Knight Rider."

Watching the show for a few minutes I was immediatly shocked by one simple fact: K.I.T.T., the super-futuristic car..... doesn't have leather interior. What I'm saying is.... I may be a stay-at-home Dad who drives a Kia, is overweight, gets very little sleep and no sex whatsoever.... but I have nicer upholstery then Michael Knight, so suck it.

At this point in my life, it's the little things that keep me going. Well, that and internet porn.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The view from here...

Monday, January 09, 2006

Look who's dead...


Vincent Schiavelli - 57
Why you should care - Vince has 98 listings on the IMDB. That's a shit-load of credits for a guy who made a living out of looking strange. Probably best remembered as the ghost on the subway who teaches Patrick Swayze how to affect the real world in "Ghost," he has been on "Star Trek," played a killer in a James Bond Film, bad guy in a Batman film, was in "Blade Runner," and TV appearances from "Starsky and Hutch" to "Cagney and Lacey," to "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." What a career this guy has had. You've probably seen him a dozen times at least and never knew his name until now.

Patrick Cranshaw - 86
Why you should care - Patrick made a career out of playing old guys with 51 listings on the IMDB. Best remembered for playing "Blue" - old guy who dies in "Old School." ( "You're my boy, Blue!" )

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Long Live The Queen.


We've started potty-training Samantha, having put it off in the past because Sam hasn't really shown any evidence that she's aware of her own disgusting bodily functions, although sometimes she does giggle when she farts. Still, she's getting so big that soon we'll have to switch her to "Depends," so, time to start training. We decided to start her training the same week as Elvis' birthday in the hope that someday she'll be as comfortable on the shitter as The King was.

Bobbi suggested we bring the potty into the living room, to make it easier to get Sam to it when there's an accident. I thought it was a great idea because, seriously, I've been trying to talk her into letting me pee in the living room for years. Sam has no problem sitting on the potty, it's the using that trips her up. She loves to sit on the potty all the time, pontificating from her own little throne right in front of the big-screen and really, who can blame her. If I could watch "Law and Order" while taking a dump, I would. The problem is that she never does anything but sit. Yesterday she actually went to Bobbi and said, "Potty," for the first time without being prompted, which sent us into panic mode, running around like fireman when the bell goes off, trying to get her to the potty on time. After about 12 times with no fire, we started to get a little annoyed. Finally, she actually went potty and ohhh, how we celebrated! We laughed, we cried, and there was much rejoicing at the glorious urine in the living room. It was a much different response than the one I got on New Year's Eve 2003, when I too produced urine in the living room. But, to be fair, we had carpet back then.

By far, the most fun I had this weekend came when Sam started peeing in the corner... then started running... then slipped in her own pee... then had to be cleaned up and changed while Mac was screaming. Why did this bring me joy? Because I wasn't home when it happened. The look of frustration and disgust on my wife's face when I came home is a look I get about twice a day. Welcome to my world, baby. I hope you brought Lysol.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

What's wrong with me?


My problem is that I find things funny (or funny things...) even when I'm surrounded by definitely un-funny stuff. Doesn't make me a bad person...

Tonight, Bobbi and I watched the news to get the whole story on what happened with those miners that died. Such a tragedy, made worse by the false information that lead everyone to believe they were alive. Certainly not a laughing matter.

Which is why, when a grief-stricken woman woman told a reporter, "We're from West Virginia.... we're dumb but we love our family," I really shouldn't have looked at Bobbi and said, "They should put that on the license plates."

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The view from here...

 

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