Back when Bobbi and I first started dating... when she was a young, hot girl and I was an older, experienced horn-dog... we lived in seperate states. I was in Dallas and she was in Florida. To make our seperation a little easier, I bought us a couple of webcams. Every night we would sit and talk on the phone while staring at the grainy video feed. (Before you ask, yes, of course we did. Wouldn't you?)
One night we were just sitting back and talking when suddenly, a new face appeared on-screen. Unbeknowst to me, Bobbi had been fooling around with a magic marker while talking to me and suddenly, while I was in the middle of yapping, Super Toe-Jam appeared.
It's really hard to describe how hilarious it was at the time. I'm just rambling on about something or other and suddenly this face just wiggles in from the side of the screen. It was a fuckin' riot at the time and I wasn't even drunk. Without me noticing, Bobbi had managed to draw a face on her big toe, dress it, and stick it up to the camera.
There are a lot of reasons why I love my wife, several of which involve Juicy-Lube and videotape, but to this day, Super Toe-Jam still cracks me up.
I recently received my first issue of "Cookie" magazine. It's sort of a "GQ" magazine for children. Since I frequently forget to change my children's clothes, even after they have covered them in a fine coating of Cheerio's and cat hair, you would be right in guessing that I didn't order "Cookie" magazine. It just arrived with my name on it.
(Note: When I'm in charge there will only be ONE SHADE OF PINK! All pink shirts will match all pink pants. NO EXCEPTIONS!)
Today, I received my copy of the Hanes catalog, which I ordered. At least that's what it said on the plain brown wrapper it came in. Now, don't be mistaken, I'm perfectly capable of ordering a catalog that arrives in a plain brown wrapper but I didn't order this one. I don't need a catalog in order to see bras and panties. I do laundry.
Has my tenure as a stay-at-home Dad finally leaked out to the world at large? Am I now receiving these "Mom friendly" items because the marketing people assume that I want them (and in the case of the Hanes Catalog...... am a cross dresser)?? I can remember when I was 23, I used to get that little catalog that was full of funny, naughty stuff (like a t-shirt that says, "Beaver patrol".... Ha! A Riot!!). Where the hell is that stuff now?! Just because I'm a stay-at-home Dad doesn't mean I don't want a coffee mug shaped like a tit! C'mon!!
Gotta go... Oprah's on.
"When you're checking for a pulse on an infant, you don't check at the neck, you check on the arm."
"Why is that?"
"Because they have no neck."
"That's true. We bought my daughter a necklace and she had to wear it around her forehead."
"You're sure answering these test questions fast.... you're making me nervous."
"Remember all the geeky guys in High School that you would never even consider going out with?"
"I was the President of those guys."
Okay, sure... Simon is a tool, but if he wasn't we wouldn't watch the show so deal with it.
No, here's the thing that I find most amazing about American Idol. It's the level of confidence that the losers have. I'm not talking about the ones who audition the first day because you can never be sure if they're serious (s friend of mine was on last year and she knows she can't sing). I'm talking about the ones who get cut just before the final 24. Whenever the camera confronts them after being cut, they are always pissed off. They are sure that there has been a mistake. Just once I want to see one of them say, "You know what.... maybe I'm not that good! Maybe they're right!"
I'm also amazed at the contestants who claim it's their life dream yet, when interviewed, don't talk about the singing lessons three times a week and the band they perform in.... because they don't take lessons and they don't have a band. It's their dream yet they don't seem to think it should require any actual work or sacrifice. When I was 18 years old I decided I wanted to be a Disc-Jockey. I worked every shift I could get (including overnights while still in college) and rarely had a day off. I would spin records until 3 a.m. and be on the air from 6 a.m. - noon, then be back spinning records at 6 p.m.!! I was 23 before I had two days off in the same week and I was fine with that because I wanted to be a Disc-Jockey. I didn't mind going to the station at dawn with two hours sleep to babysit some recorded program as long as I was "in" radio. When I moved to Dallas in 1989 I finally quit radio and treated myself to two days off a week while working in clubs. I lasted three years before I was back waiting tables and working midnight - 6 a.m. every weekend, making tapes and sending out resumes. I was a DJ.... that's what I was, no matter what else I did. To this day when people ask me what I do I say, "I used to be a DJ."
My point is, don't say something is your "life's dream" unless you're working on it every day. Otherwise, it's a hobby.
I was watching Dave Chappelle on "Oprah" the other day as he tried to explain why he walked out on his show and ran off to Africa. The more he tried to explain that he wasn't crazy the more crazy he seemed. Of course, he also talked a lot about racism.
I don't consider myself a racist but I do believe that I have certain advantages because I'm white. The bad side of having these social advantages is that, as a white person, I'm not allowed to trumpet the accomplishments of my race the way blacks can. If a black person says, "Black people make better basketball players," it's fine, but if a white person says something like that about the white race, it's racist. So, in an attempt to elevate my race, I want to talk about:
Things White People Are Better At Than Black People
1. Serial Killing - Okay, this one is an easy starting point, I know, but the fact is, when you need somebody to kill a bunch of hookers, chop them up and hide them under the toolshed, you need a white guy.
2. Annoying Reporters - Have you ever watched the news and seen an "on-the-scene" report? Look behind the reporter and you'll see some asshole grinning at the camera and waving, usually while on a cellphone, calling someone so that they will see the asshole in his native habitat. White guy.
3. Face Painting - Scan the stands at a football game.... it's not the brothers who paint their faces green and go shirtless during a snow game.
4. Proposing Badly - "Will you marry me?" on a billboard, jumbotron, skywriting? White guy, white guy, white guy.
5. Hockey - Just try to convince a black guy to fight someone who's wearing skates and carrying a big stick.
6. Shooting A Friend While Hunting - You may think I'm mentioning this because of Vice-President Cheney's recent escapade where he mistook a 78-year-old lawyer for a bird, but the fact is, white people have been shooting each other in the woods for years. (On a side note, David Letterman had the best joke on the shooting so far when he said, "My policy has always been, if you shoot a lawyer, you better kill him.")
We have new neighbors moving in next-door so naturally I went over to say "hello" and offer any help they might need. When I returned, Bobbi asked where I had been.
"Talking to the new neighbors," I said.
"About what?" she asked.
"Nothing much, just talking about the house and stuff."
"Did they get a chance to speak?"
Oh, she knows me well....
I, for one, don't have Olympic fever.
Isn't it time we all faced the fact that the Olympics are really not important? Back in the 30's and 40's when it took two weeks to travel overseas by boat and there was always the chance you could hit an iceberg, the Olympics were a big deal. Athletes from all over the world came together to see who was the best and possible share exotic native STD's in the Olympic Village. Competitors faced each other who had never met before and possibly never even heard of each other.
In today's world, with air travel and worldwide media, there is no real debate about who's the best at any given sport. If you are the best figure-skater in the world (because you have won the most international competitions against the best in the world) does it really matter if you win the gold medal or not? No. Yet, everyone acts like winning the gold makes you the best. Tiger Woods didn't win the Master's Tournament last year but guess what, he's still the best golfer in the world. Why is The Master's Tournament any more important than last week's tournament and, more importantly, why do they give the winner an ugly jacket?
It's all a big marketing event now. The contests themselves are no more important than any of the other thousands of contests that occur every year pitting the best against the best. This is why the Super Bowl is still a great event. The two teams that have been declared the best in their respective leagues meet for the first time. But, if you expect me to get excited because the worlds best luge dude is competing against the same luge dudes he competes against every other week, forget it. (Actually, the Olympics do have one thing that sets them apart from other events. In the Olympics, there is no qualification requirements to compete. hence the famous Jamaican Bobsled team.) In fact, since I don't watch luge any other times during the year, why should I watch it now?
You know that I don't make it a habit to post internet jokes and the like on the Boo-Log unless they are really good. So, trust me on this one. It's so well done...
Brokeback To The Future
Kudo's to Mark for sending me this link
I know I haven't been writing much lately and I apologize for that but I've got a house full of infants who are slowly but surely erasing my will to live, so suck it.
Mac has started doing the same thing Sam did when she was a few months old. She is basically fine through the day but as soon as the sun goes down she turns into "Super-pissed-off baby" (coming to toy stores, Dec 06'). She screams until about midnight or 1:00 before finally settling down. She still never sleeps more than three hours at a stretch.
Sam sits on the potty 12 times a day and still nothing happens. Today she had two accidents, both within minutes of getting off the pot. Toilet training is very frustrating, especially since Sam has decided that she must use the potty every time I start to feed Mac. It's an attention grab, I know, but I can't ignore it. The only bright side is that she gets an M&M if she actually uses the potty. So far there's been little success but listening to Sam try and say "M&M" is hilarious.
Last weekend we got away for a few days to a room at The Wyndham. We had a Jr. Suite that overlooked traffic next to the mall. Most people get a room that overlooks the beach, we were overlooking the Steak n' Ale. We ate and drank and resumed our matrimonial obligations (that's sex) and remembered why we fell in love in the first place. ( For me, it was when we first got in the room and saw the floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto the street and city beyond. I looked at Bobbi and said, "You know, we're having sex in front of that window." and she said, "Yeah," .... but she said it in that teenage-surfer-chick-I-can't-believe-you-even-asked-that-when-it's-sooooo-obvious.... sort of way.) Then we came home and resumed our normal life of picking up toys and wiping ass.
Can I just take a second to point out that Bush's new budget spends 100 billion more dollars than it takes in despite 39 billion in cuts to programs like Medicare and student loans? Oh, and he still wants to make his tax cuts permanent because, when your spending 100 billion more than you make, it's always a good idea to take a cut in pay. Why aren't the Republicans calling him to task for this boondoggle?! You remember the Republicans, right? The ones who tried to amend the constitution so that a balanced budget was mandatory back when Clinton was in office? Why aren't they screaming bloody murder?! Oh, that's right, because loyalty is more important than principles. No President has ever cut taxes in time of war. I'm sick of Bush saying we're at war and running the country like we're at peace. Get some balls and ask the American people to sacrifice a little as they've done in every war this country has ever been involved in. Enough about that...
I went to Loews over the weekend and spent the best $20 ever. I bought one of those "grabber" tools. You know, the ones with a handle on one end and two "grabber thingys" on the other end that people use for picking up litter? I just walk through the living room picking up toys and tossing them into the toy box without ever bending over. Now all I need is a Segway and I'll be set. I'll just cruise around the house picking up toys while using the minimum amount of physical energy. The dream survives.
Today was the big day! Today I got my braces off!! Woo-Hoo! Becky is sure to want to go with me to the prom now!!
I've been wearing braces for 2.5 years. I also wore them when I was in Middle School for 3.5 years (Moral of the story: Wear your retainer). After 6 years of my life with my teeth wrapped in steel I'm ready to move on, or at least land a job as a Bond villain (Jaws anyone? Anyone??)
Of course, nothing can be as simple and easy as we'd like because I now have to wear a retainer for a year and here's the rub: The retainer is more noticeable than the braces were! I had clear ceramic braces that many people said they didn't even notice until I pointed them out. Now I have a bright silver wire around my teeth. I mean bright, like I'm trying to chrome my teeth!
Still, I can always take out the retainer to eat or impress a babe (or scare my children) so it's still better than before.
Admit it, you want to kiss me.....