Thursday, January 25, 2007

My priorities have changed

Today I was in the bedroom folding some clothes, while Sam and Mac were in the kitchen having their lunch. I could hear Sam making lots of noise and Mac laughing uproariously. For just a second I thought, "I wonder what she's doing in there. I hope she's not destroying anything." Then I realized that I really didn't care what she was doing as long as the baby was happy. Seriously, she could be torturing a puppy for all I care as long as Mac is not crying. That's all that really matters.

And the award for, "it's not my job" goes to...


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I wish list (or, a list of things that are causing my slow death)

I wish I could walk across our small living room without a Cheerio sticking to my foot.

I wish I could brush my teeth without first having to move three cans of hairspray, two hairbrushes, four towels and a set of toenail clippers.

I wish I could write one check a month that would cover my income tax, my employees income tax, my state unemployment tax, my federal unemployment tax, and my workman's comp insurance.

I wish to never clean up dog piss again.

I wish my children would understand that "no" means "no."

I wish I had a reliable babysitter.

I wish the curbside service at Chili's was actually curbside service instead of what it is, which is a place where you sit in your car for 10 minutes before finally going inside to get your cold fajitas.

I wish they would get rid of the penny. And the nickel. As a matter of fact just get rid of everything but the quarter.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Just another day


Once you become a stay-at-home parent, you'll find that as time goes on things that would have seemed strange in the past now seem normal. For example, just a few minutes ago I was sitting on the toilet trying to take a crap while at the same time minding Mackenzie who was standing in front of me hanging on to my underwear for balance. At the same time, I was engaged in a conversation with Samantha who was sitting on the stepstool in front of the sink, trying to explain to me the many uses of the Ernie Wind-up Bathtub Boat.

What's strange about this is not that it was happening, but that I thought to myself, "Gee, I wish I had my camera so I could take a picture of this for the Boolog." I can honestly say that before I had children it never would have occurred to me that I would want to take a picture while sitting on the toilet so I could post it on the Internet.

Quote of the Day:
"Baby, this is your ba-ba. I know it doesn't seem like your ba-ba, but it is, I promise. Daddy washed the ba-ba and now that it's clean it's no longer recognizable."

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Soon she'll be able to say, "Go F yourself!"

Mac is getting so close to walking it's starting to drive us a little crazy. Bobbi will be out of town this weekend (she's going down to see her sister who is having a baby shower) and she's taking Sam with her. So naturally, we expect that McKenzie will start walking this weekend while Bobbi is gone. Today, we had her taking about three or four steps in between the two of us as we sat on the floor. Sam sat on my lap cheering her sister on all the way. It really is something to see how excited Sam gets whenever Mac takes a few steps. She really seems to understand the importance of the baby walking.

Sam is learning new things too. Her language skills improve every day and it's funny how she picks up things that I say and applies them to her own speech. For example, she's started to ask, "That's a deal?" When she's trying to negotiate something with me. Tonight, when Bobbi was telling her she had to pick out pajamas to wear to bed she finally opened the drawer, grabbed her pajamas, and threw them at her mother in a fit of frustration asking, "There! Are you happy now?!"

I have no idea where she got that.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Boneheads

In the past on the boolog I've talked about companies that have poor customer service or terrible marketing plans. Today, I am witnessing a blunder of epidemic proportions.
World Warcraft, the huge online role-playing game, is about to release its first expansion since the game launched two years ago. The expansion will be available for purchase tonight at midnight. It's the biggest event to hit the World of Warcraft since the original launch date. There are 8 million players waiting to load up their expansion and play the game starting tonight at midnight.

Late last night, Blizzard, the company that makes World of Warcraft released the final patch into the system in preparation for the launch of the add-on. What that means is that when you try to log into the game you automatically download a small program which fixes some problems in the game.

Here's the crazy part....

There are always some problems whenever a patch is released. It seems that the latest patch is causing more problems than usual. So the message boards are full of players who are screaming because they can no longer access the game and we are now less than 12 hours away from the launch of the expansion. But even that's not what's crazy. What's crazy, is that today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and so the tech support department at Blizzard has the day off!
So, hundreds of players are now locked out of the game unable to get in and unable to contact customer support right for the expansion they've been waiting for for over a year.

Good job.

Friday, January 12, 2007

The view from here


English 101

We have rules in our house. Guidlines for the children that we hope will help them grow into good adults. For example, they're not allowed to yell and they're not allowed to boss us around.

Last night when we were doing storytime, Bobbi was forced to discipline Sam. She was in bed and we were reading a book when I took a toy out of her toy box.

"TAKE IT BACK!!" she screamed at me, "TAKE IT BACK!!"

Quickly, Bobbi jumped into the fray, "It's "put" it back, Sam."

"Oh," she said, "PUT IT BACK!!"

Because it's important, when you're screaming at Daddy, to use proper grammar...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Call 911!


Oh sure, it was bound to happen eventually... but it had to happen on my watch?

Sam was sitting on the foot stool tonight, just a few minutes before bedtime, when she tried to turn around and talk to me and she fell. On to her face. On the hardwood floor.

From the second she lifted her head off the floor I knew this was going to be bad. I could already see the blood starting to come out of her mouth. She got up and came to me crying, I picked her up and she cried and bled on my shirt. I quickly sat her on the kitchen counter, grabbed a rag and held it up to her mouth. There was blood everywhere. On my shirt, on her shirt, on her face... it just seemed like too much. I put some ice in the rag and continued to hold it on her lip. I've got to give her credit, the little trooper, she was crying but she never got hysterical. And she managed to hold still while I held the ice cold rag up to her face to try and stop the bleeding. Soon it was all over... but then the swelling started.

The attached picture is Sam talking on the phone to her mother about 15 minutes after the accident. You want to know what a broken heart feels like? It's the feeling you get when your three year old daughter is bleeding. She's hurt and she's scared and she's looking at you and all you can think about is when you were her age and how it felt and how you looked up your parents and how scared they must have been.

About a half-hour later, Bobbi came home from work. She asked me several times if I thought we should take Sam for stitches but I said no. "It's a busted lip," I said, "I must have done it a dozen times when I was a kid."

Still, it feels a whole lot worse.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The car of the future

Well, if you read my last post you know that there's been some bitterness in the family about Bobbi's new car. That being said, I'm currently researching a new car for myself. It's not that I feel entitled or anything (although I am freaking awesome), but rather that we really need something bigger than my KIA. The girls are starting to take up a lot of room in the back seat, mostly because they're huge leviathans of the human race. Seriously, my girls are big. Last month Mackenzie turned one and killed a bear with her bare hands on the same day. It's scary.

I read an article today in Newsweek about how Chrysler is redesigning its minivan. They got the same guy who designed the 300m to lend his magic touch to the Chrysler Town and Country. It's very exciting. He put bigger wheels on it, a bigger grille, and some cool touches inside so that now it looks like... a minivan. Why don't they understand that the reason minivan sales are lagging is because people don't want to be seen driving a minivan. I swear there's a huge market that they're overlooking. All they need to do is design an SUV with back doors that open like a minivan. Make a car that looks like a Ford Explorer but when you press a button the back doors slide back and people will line up to buy them. It shouldn't be too hard to do and it makes things so much easier with kids because you don't have to worry about them banging the door into the car next to you (or not being able to squeeze into the door to strap your child into the car seat). Mark my words, Japan will do it first.

Last night I was looking back at some old posts here on the Boolog and was thinking that I'm not as funny now as I used to be. I think the problem is that I'm still getting used to this voice recognition software. Then again, I could just be lame. So here's a joke:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says, "Really, you have a drink named Bob?"

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Monday, January 08, 2007

The new car


When you become a stay-at-home parent, you soon discover that there are many changes in your behavior that you didn't expect. For instance, it no longer bothers me to have shit on my hands. I could look down at my hands right now, see some shit on them, and not give it a second thought. Where as before I would have thought, "Oh my God, I have shit on my hands!" Now I just think, "It's Monday."

Here's another change in my behavior that I'd like to call, "The New Car.."

Bobbi wanted a new car. She agonized about it for weeks. Back and forth, back and forth, trying to decide if she should get rid of her SUV and buy a nice little car like she used to drive. Whenever she asked my opinion I always told her that, while I thought it was impractical, I had no objection to her buying whatever she wanted. She works very hard and she should have whatever she wants. I'm a hell of a guy and it's a privilege to know me.

Then, she brought home the new car.

I don't want to sit in the car. I don't want to drive the car. I don't want to look at the car while it sits in the driveway. Suddenly, I am bitter about the new car.

I called some friends to tell them about my irrational hatred of Bobbi's new car only to discover that they felt it was perfectly normal. You see, when you're a stay-at-home parent and you have to drive a sensible car, one that will transport the entire family plus the strollers and the pack-n-play, the luggage and whatever else is needed, you rationalize the entire process. You convince yourself that you don't really want a nice little sporty car like you drove for your entire life before you had children. This strategy works just fine until suddenly one half of the marriage partnership decides to go back to having a nice little sporty car and you're forced to look at it every day. Suddenly, you're all alone in minivan hell. Your two weeks into your diet and the wife is working at Dairy Queen.

Let me be clear: This is not Bobbi's fault. I told her she could have the car. I was not expecting to feel this way.

Let me just jump in, real quick, and stop you from saying, "Why don't you just buy a really nice SUV?" I'll tell you why. Because I don't want an SUV. I want a nice little sporty car like Bobbi's new Lexus.... but I can't have one because I am a stay-at-home parent and my life as well as everything in it revolves around the children. Suck on that for a while and see how it tastes. Oh, and don't say, "You can put the kids in a car just as easily as an SUV. Just get a car." It's just not practical, and we both know it, so shut up already.

The good news is, the bitterness is starting to fade. Can you tell?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Uncle Sam do take a bite...

Well, we've just concluded the second-year of Signature Title Services. It was a good year and we're very happy with the outcome, all things considered. However, if there's one thing you'll definitely learn when you own your own business it's that it takes a lot of money to make a little money.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. We make a decent living. But if I told you how much money we took in as a business last year you would choke. Then, if I told you how much went back out the door in expenses you would vomit into your own mouth. Finally, if I told you how much we had to pay in taxes on what little remained of the amount that initially came in you would swallow the vomit... and choke again. Trust me, it wouldn't be pretty... and there would be a lingering smell.

Here's another thing you learn the hard way when you own your own business: Anything with the word "corporate," "business," or "commercial" attached to it costs five times as much as it should. Internet services in your home will cost you $50 a month but a business" internet package will cost you $150. Home phone = $50 a month - business phone = $200 a month. Would you like to buy a small building to house your business? Expect to pay $250 a square foot for "commercial" real estate. That's right, a 2000 sq. ft. box with a parking lot will set you back a half million dollars. Beginning to get the picture? It's scary to think that a small building with less a square footage than our home will cost us more than twice as much. (Actually, 2000 sq. ft. is larger than our home but still, a half a million freakin' dollars! Who can afford that!)

I complain because it's what I'm best at but the truth is that starting your own business is the best thing we ever did (well, unless you count that thing we did in the ballroom of the Hyatt Hotel after hours...). Sure, Bobbi has to put in some long days and I spend many a night doing the books and taking care of payroll (and weekends moving furniture and designing websites) but it's invigorating and exciting and I'm so glad we finally did it.

The Endorsement

You can't help but love a mom who decides to tackle World of Warcraft so she can be closer to her family. This has the makings of a great blog (provided you are addicted to Warcrack).

http://www.aggroqueen.com/

Monday, January 01, 2007


President Ford died over the weekend and even though he was only president for 2 1/2 years and I was just a kid at the time, I've always respected him and the decision that he made.

They say that when he pardoned Richard Nixon he sealed his political fate and guaranteed that he couldn't win reelection. Whenever he was asked about it over the years he always said, "I just felt that I had to get it off my desk."

You see, Ford was a moderate Republican. He never asked to be president, he never wanted to be president, it was just thrust upon him. He felt that the best thing he could do was move the country past Watergate and the scandal and get back to governing and trying to help people. Ford was the kind of guy who, had he been in the House of Representatives when Clinton was impeached, would have been against it. He would have been for censure. Move on, there's more important work to be done for the American people.

It's an attitude that would serve many politicians well, in my opinion.

And when she does, I'll just smile...


Earlier today, Bobbi and I were making peanut butter & jelly sandwiches while Samantha sat at the bar, waiting for her lunch. Bobbi was giving me a hard time about being in her way while she made her sandwich, so I said to Samantha, "Tell your mother she should be nicer to me."

Bobbi said, "Tell your father that mommy doesn't have to be nice because she took the butt."

Now, in my family we have always referred to the end of a loaf of bread as the "heel," but in Bobby's family they call it the "butt." This will be a small consolation the first-time Samantha says to a complete stranger, "Mommy doesn't have to be nice to daddy because she takes the butt."

 

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