Tuesday, May 29, 2007

If you work for me you can't read this:


I'm still trying to get the hang of owning my own business. Being "The Boss," or in my case, "The Bosses Husband," tends to put a cramp in my general conversational style. There are all kinds of rules that I am expected to know despite the fact that no one has written them down for me. For example, Bobbi chastised me last week for making a comment about an employee's cleavage. Now, to be fair, this employee has been a friend of ours for many years on a social level and I have said much worse to her outside the office. However, now that she works for us I am no longer allowed to speak to her the same way. Okay, I can live with that I guess.
This week, Bobbi told the same person that I sometimes apply a hair removal product to a part of my body that is normally only seen by my wife and doctor.
So, I guess the rule is:
Discussion of employee cleavage in the office = Not OK.
Discussion of owner's balls in the office = OK.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Seriously, I'm not always pissed off...

I know that it must seem like I complain a lot especially since I just wrote a post about customer service etc.. but I just can't resist.

I just got back from Babies "R" Us with Bobbi and the girls. The front door said they were open until six o'clock. We unloaded the car at 5:45 and started to walk towards the front of the store. I noticed a guy at the front doors who looked like he was trying to get in and couldn't. So I yelled, "Are they closed?"

"They just locked the doors." He said.

So, we turned around, went back to the car and started to put the kids in... all the while complaining about the fact that they had closed 15 minutes early. About that point I looked back at the front of the store and noticed that the guy had gone inside through another set of doors. I also noticed a Babies "R" Us employee in the parking lot so I asked, "Are you guys closed?"

"We close at six o'clock," she said.

So, we unloaded the car again and headed for the front door along with two other cars full of people who had pulled into the parking lot. All of us got to the front doors at about the same time and started to go through the "out" doors. Right inside the door was a man at the register who stopped us and told us they were closed. "The sign says you close at six o'clock," I said.

"We give the last announcement at five minutes until six," he said.

"Well it's quarter to six," I said.

"That's when we lock the doors," he said.

Now, I wasn't going to blog about this. Instead, I was just going to write a quick note to Babies "R" Us to let them know that I thought it was bogus to close at 5:45 when your sign says you close at 6:00. I went to the Toys "R" Us website but couldn't find any contact information there, so then I went to the Toys "R" Us corporate website and clicked on the link that says "contact us."

It's a broken link.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Instead of forwarding email jokes, I just post them here...

Thanks to Mark for sending this along to me - Boo

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a highschool diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who flyroutinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out aform, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems withthe aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairson the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the nextflight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) bymaintenance engineers.By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Sea Cruise

We were drunk before the ship left port.

That's the way it works when you take a cruise with Nelson and his friends. There will be drinking. There will be more drinking. And then a little bit later... yet more drinking. We took a limo down to the Port of Tampa, (because that's the way I roll) checked in and walked right onto the boat. Perfect timing, no waiting. We soon joined everyone else on the Lido deck for cocktails and "bon voyage." It was at this time that someone first made mention of "the turtle." It seemed that everyone was hoping to see the turtle before the vacation was over but the turtle had retired. More about that later....

Bobbi and I had a really nice vacation augmented by the fact that we did not get into an argument the entire time. We don't actually get into arguments very often but when you're on vacation for a week it's not uncommon for a couple to at least have one fight. Having an argument with Bobbi is like negotiating a hostage situation: speak slowly and choose your words carefully or else someone is going to get shot. So, naturally I was relieved to make it out alive.

We went all out on this vacation and booked a penthouse suite on board the Carnival Legend. The penthouse suite is actually on deck six, which is not the top deck, nor is it the highest deck on the ship that has state rooms. Obviously, someone neglected to explain exactly what the word "penthouse" means to the folks at Carnival. Anyway, it was a very nice room compared to the walk-in closet that they call a room on the rest of the ship. Our room had room to move around as well as four closets, a double vanity sink and an actual tub and shower ( in standard rooms you have to stand on the balcony naked and let the sea spray clean you). It cost about twice as much as a regular room but it was worth it because we lived in it for seven days. One night Bobbi was walking out of the room and came across an elderly couple in the hallway who had locked themselves out of their room. She offered to let them come inside and sit down as she called the room steward to come open their door. They were staying in an inside cabin (which means they did'nt even have a window) and when they walked in to our suite the woman said, "Well, this is nice." When Bobbi told me the story I asked her if she had explained to the couple that this was, in fact, the biggest room on board the ship. She said no, because she didn't want to seem like she was bragging. "You're not bragging," I said, "as much as you are doing that poor guy a favor. Right now they're at dinner and his wife, who is under the impression that our room is a standard outside room, is asking him why he's such a cheap bastard and didn't spend the extra $400 to get a room like ours.

Wednesday night the turtle finally appeared.

On past cruises Nelson has done this thing that they call the turtle. Basically he lays down on his stomach on the floor and flaps his arms and legs around like a giant sea turtle. It's actually much funnier than it sounds, trust me. Well, Wednesday night Mike kept bugging Nelson to do the turtle. Nelson kept saying that the turtle was retired. Finally we were all standing underneath the spiral staircase next to the lounge when Mike pointed to the shallow reflecting pool surrounding the staircase and said, "Nelson, you need to get in there and do the turtle."
Now, Nelson was drunk but not stupid. So he turns to Mike and says, "What's it worth to you?"
"50 bucks." Mike replied.
"It'll take at least a hundred."
"I'll match his 50," I quickly said.
So, Nelson got down on the edge of the reflecting pool like he's warming up to do the turtle. We are, of course, convinced that what he will do is flap his arms and roll his head around while laying on the ledge around the pool since he's fully dressed in slacks and shirt.

We were wrong.

He clapped his hands together three times to get himself psyched up and then flopped into the pool face first, chest down, and started flapping his arms and legs like the giant sea turtle that he had become. It was perhaps the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Then, when he was finished, he climbed out of the water and, soaking wet in his dress clothes, casually walked through the middle of the casino to reach the elevators so he could go back to his room and change. His wife Marisa was in the lounge while the whole thing was going on and saw it through the window. She immediately walked out and said "Who bet him he wouldn't do it? There's no way he would have done it unless somebody bet him!" The best part is we got the whole thing on videotape. If I can get my hands on a copy I will post it on the boolog.

On the last day of the cruise we were sitting and having breakfast when Johnny decided to take a survey and find out which of the five husbands had managed to get laid the most while on vacation. I had previously been in last place because Bobbi had been indisposed during the early part of the week. But I quickly spoke up and said, "I know I've been at the bottom of the pack but I had a "come from behind" rally last night to increase my standings."
"Literally," Bobbi remarked.

While in Cozumel we all went to Carlos and Charlie's. It's a tradition among the group to go to Carlos and Charlie's while on the cruise and get so drunk that you have to crawl back on board the ship. I was proud to be a part of it. If you've never been to Carlos and Charlie's it's like the locker room of a football team right after they win the Super Bowl, only rowdy. There was much exposing of breasts, grabbing of asses and liberal usage of tongues. The women had a good time as well. It was during our stay at Carlos and Charlie's that I presented Nelson with the coveted crown of the turtle.

One night when everyone was in the elevator going back to their rooms, Nelson was trying in vain to talk everyone into partying just a little bit longer. Finally, he stepped off the elevator on his floor and turned to face the group (as well as the strangers who were in the elevator.) "I'll see you fuckers in the morning," he said in disgust. I'm thinking of having that put on a t-shirt.



Not to be outdone, I topped Nelson in the category of "rudeness to perfect strangers on an elevator" just a couple of days later. We were walking back on board the ship after Carlos and Charlie's, which is to say we were all drunk. Nelson got into a discussion with another woman about college football. She was from Alabama and was claiming that Alabama had more national titles than Miami. Nelson replied, "I'm talking about since they started wearing face masks." Well, this woman took Nelson's comment to mean that she looked very old, which is pretty good because that's exactly what he meant. So, once we all got on the elevator Nelson spent the entire ride explaining to the woman that's not what he meant and apologizing. Finally she steps off the elevator and turns back to face the group. Nelson tells her what our table number is at dinner and says she needs to come down and see us and he'll buy her a drink...and he didn't mean to say that...and he wasn't calling her old. She says, "Okay, okay...maybe I'll do that. Then, just as the doors close I speak up and say, "See you later grandma." Nelson started laughing so hard I thought he was going to choke.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

George Carlin turns 70 today...


I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

I used to be Irish Catholic now I’m an American — you know you grow.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? “That’s a bad word!!” Awwww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. And tits doesn’t even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. “Hey, Tits, come here, man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots”. Sounds like a snack…oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don’t mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n’ Sesame Tits n’ Cheese Tits…Tater Tits. Bet you can’t eat just one!!

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to to us, she said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

I never joined the Boy Scouts; I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

So I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievments on the back of our car.”

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

“No comment” is a comment.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment there not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lof worth paying attention to.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Hooray for most things.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Life is a zero sum game.

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

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