Monday, March 17, 2008

Dude, you're ripping my card..

I went to the doctor today for my annual checkup. One of the bad things about turning 30 is that you have to go every year for a checkup. The checkup will include a prostate exam. For those of you who still may be very young, a prostate exam means that the doctor will be sticking his finger up your ass. I really don't think that it's fair that they pile both of these things on you immediately after you turn 40. I wouldn't mind if I had to visit the doctor once a year. I could even tolerate having someone stick their finger up my ass say.... every five years. But every year with the doctor and every year with the ass finger? Seems a bit much. (Actually, you have to go to the doctor twice. The first time it is just so they can take blood and do your weight and blood pressure etc.... and the second time it is when you get the anal raping.)

I actually don't see a doctor anymore, instead I see a nurse practitioner. Today while talking to her in the exam room I said, "You look like somebody famous but I can't figure out who."
"Some people say I look like a young Alyssa Milano, " she said.
"Yeah, I can see that but you know what else you look like? Phoebe Cates."
"Who's that?"
"Oh, you know, Phoebe Cates. She was in Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
"I don't know what that is."
"Do you know who Cameron Crowe is?"
"No."
"Have you ever seen the movie Almost Famous?"
"Yes."
"Well, that movie was written and directed by Cameron Crowe... It's actually a true story. Cameron really did become a reporter for Rolling Stone magazine when he was still a teenager. Later, he went back to high school and wrote a short story about it for Playboy magazine. That story was turned into a screenplay which became the movie Fast Times at Ridgemount High. It came out in 1981."
"I was born in 1981."

Could I be any more old? In a couple of weeks I will go back to my doctor's office and a medical professional will stick her finger up my ass. A medical professional who was born one year before I graduated high school. And if that's not awkward enough, I spent 10 minutes trying to explain to her who Phoebe Cates is, what she did with her red bikini when she stepped out of that swimming pool, and why that scene is remembered by every man of my generation (hint: it involves masturbation). By the time I was finished she was looking at me like she never planned to be alone with me in an exam room again.

Still, it's an awesome scene.

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