Sunday, March 30, 2008

Here we go again

My dad sent me a link to a news story on Fox about firefighters in Oregon. In short, the story said that some crew chiefs were being demoted because they don't speak Spanish. "The law requires that a chief speak the same language as the men under him, even if it's only one person, " the announcer said. "So why not require the workers to speak English? The state has no clear answer on that."

Naturally, the blogosphere loves this story.... more Americans losing their job to illegal immigrants. Those shit-heel, no-good, fire-fighting fucks.

Since "...the state has no clear answer on that," I'll try to answer it for them. Allow me now to turn the microphone over to my esteemed colleague from the Oregon fire Dept.:

Well, see, here's the problem. The state is desperate for firefighters. If you don't believe me you can ask the Fox reporter who did the story because the first thing he said was, "There is an urgent need for firefighters in the west to battle about two dozen wildfires."

We've been trying to recruit more firefighters for years now but we don't seem to get as many educated, English-speaking recruits as we would like.... something about shit pay and possibly burning to death. So, we've been forced to take whomever comes along and unfortunately that means Mexicans. How many? Oh, 85% of the force is of Spanish descent. Yea, how bout' that shit? Those wetbacks love potatoes.

What? That's Iowa? Oh yeah, I forget sometimes.... what with all the smoke inhalation and all...

Anyway, three years ago we realized that we were having some safety issues because some of the crew-chiefs couldn't yell, "Hey, you're on fire!" in Spanish. So we passed a law that anyone who oversaw a 20-man crew had to be bilingual. We didn't want to do it but it was either that or let the Mexicans burn and let me tell you, if you think it's hard getting English-speaking dudes to run into a burning forest with nothing but an ax in their hand, try getting the Spanish-speakers to do it once they start cooking off. It's a real damper on career-day.

Did I mention that we can't seem to get educated, English-speaking recruits? Did I mention the part about the shit pay and the burning to death and all that? I probably should keep that on the down-low...

Where was I? Oh yeah, now it's three years later and we still have some crew-chiefs who don't speak Spanish and we've got to demote them in favor of guys that can. The funny thing is, while a lot of people seem to be upset about this, no one seems to like any of my ideas to fix it. I suggested that we just lay off a majority of the firefighters and tell them to come back when they can speak English but the homeowners didn't seem to like that idea on account of the wildfires and homes burning and everything. Also, once they learn to speak English a lot of the firefighters discover there are a lot more opportunities out there that don't require skin-grafts. I also suggested doubling the budget so that we could attract some good, English-speaking white boys to the job and that went over real well until I mentioned the increased taxes. It's almost like they really want English-speaking firefighters, they just don't want to pay for em'. I also suggested making wildfires illegal.... but that was just a joke.

I'll be honest though... and I probably shouldn't say this... but if you ask me the Mexicans are kinda rude. I mean, they come to this country with nothing and we take them in, give them a job that English-speaking white boys don't want protecting our homes and our lives from raging fires with their bare hands (and an ax) and they can't be bothered to learn the language? What a bunch of assholes. I say we ship em' all back to Tijuana and let em get a job in the sombrero factory. Not right away, mind you. First they need to put out all those fires. Then, it's back to tequila-ville for the whole lot.


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