Monday, March 03, 2008

What's important

I'm a guy who likes to have a cocktail now and then. To be honest, I probably drink more now than I ever have at any point in my life. I drank in college because, well, that's probably the best reason to go to college (Oh, and the sex.. we mustn't forget about the sex). I also drank when I was in the bar business. I didn't really drink that much during that period of my life, which is strange because most of the people in the bar business drink quite a bit. It's probably the best part of being in the bar business. (Oh, and the sex. We mustn't forget about the sex).

Nowadays I probably have a drink at least two nights a week. There are lots of very good reasons to have a drink at the end of the day but I don't know what any of them are because I only drink for one reason: my wife drinks. You see, when my wife drinks she gets, how should I put it... "loose." Like most men I would say that my chances of getting laid definitely increase when my wife is drinking but I can also say that my chances of having wild, down-and-dirty porn set sex are directly tied to my wife's alcohol content. In fact, I can tell you without fear of contradiction that some of the best sex I ever had in my life ended with my wife laying off the side of the bed... completly naked..... puking into a trashcan. I can say this without fear of contradiction because said wife doesn't remember anything at all from that night. For me, the most memorable sex I can have is the kind my wife has no memory of. Seriously, if she's sober you have to charm and cajoule your way into her good graces but after four drinks she'll beg you to do stuff to her that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

(The point of this post is not to talk about how incredible my wife is when it comes to drunk sex. I'm just throwing that in as a bonus because the other night Bobbi said that people who read the Boolog would probably think that she was kind of stiff. I pointed out that since she is a businesswoman and has employees I make it a point never to put really embarrassing stuff on the internet about her. Still, just so there are no misconceptions, let me just say for the record that my wife is a hard-core-porn-star-caliber-sex-machine.)

Anyway, the reason for this post is to point out how some things are important even though you might not think they are. One of those things is how you drink. Sure, you can bust open a can of Schliz Malt Liquor and pour it into your beer hat if you want to, but I prefer to do things right. That's why it took me over a year just to find the right glasses for making a drink. They are rounded glasses with a very thick heavy base. They are the kind of glasses that you don't want to drop on your foot. They are serious glasses for holding serious alcohol (in my case, Crown Royal). I have been happy for a while with my good alcohol and my fine glasses but still something has not been right. I have finally rectified the situation.


You see, as I explained to my wife, (as she looked at me like she always does when it's obvious to her that I have put far too much thought into something that everyone else should, and does, take for granted) the ice that we put in our drinks nowadays is fucked up. The ice that comes out of the automated ice dispenser in the refrigerator is a travesty. It's long and thin and doesn't have much weight. In fact, the only thing worse than the ice that comes out of the refrigerator is the crushed ice that you get at a bar. They might as well just dump a glass of water in your drink. You see, it's all about surface area. The more surface area you have the faster your ice will melt and the sooner you will be holding a lukewarm class of water and alcohol in your hand. (right now you're thinking, "If I had to make small talk with this guy at a party I would kill myself). That's why I have ice trays. Little blue rubber ice trays that make these big perfectly square ice cubes. You can only fit about three of these gorgeous gifts to alcohol in your glass. They melt slow, they look awesome, and they don't water down your drink.

Some things are important.


Blogger Mark said...

I would like to thank you for two things. The post on Sunday, March 2nd was most enjoyable. Also the vivid descriptions given in today's post. My Level 8 Paladin now looks like a Barry Bonds bicep. If I can't have sex with my wife as often as I'd like, at least I can read about you and the H.C.P.S.C.S.M. But back to the ice cubes. I have these really neat pair-of-boobies ice cubes that are made of Lucite and filled with some sort of gel. You keep them in the freezer, you can wash them and the Lucite does not affect the taste of the beverage. Of course you don't get the taste-neutralizing effect of melting ice but for me the pure alcohol taste is best. Plus the little floating ice boobies are a tantalizing glimpse of things to come.

10:37 AM  

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